My MS Story ... part six

Luna & I had originally planned to spend the entire summer in our camper out at the lake. Fletch would come when he could. It was going to be a summer to remember. However, along w/ the lake being way too full this year, there were just too many reasons why this wasn’t turning out to be a good plan. The summer had already started shaping up to be very hot & humid. The heat just kills me & exacerbates MS symptoms; much like the hot bath did at Christmas time. I had to give up going to several outdoor concerts as well this summer due to the extreme heat. Anyone who knows me knows I love music & going to shows & dancing my ass off. But the heat ruined that for me this summer. I also had a very hard time doing Yoga Rocks the Park outside at Midtown Crossing. If you read my YRP series, you may have picked up on that. So I was starting to get concerned about how I was going to handle our usual 10 day trips to Big Mac, my favorite place in the whole world.








It turns out that lake life wasn’t so bad. It’s much drier in the sand hills than the humidity that drenched Omaha this summer. And plus I was right by the water so I could cool off anytime I like. I was also worried about how I was going to handle my stand-up jet ski that we just got 2 years ago. I had wanted one forever & now that we finally got one, don’t tell me I’m not going to be able to ride it!

 Again, it turns out that I had no problem, because even though I have balance issues, the buoyancy of the jet ski in the water makes this one of the physical sports that I can still do fairly easy. I was so happy that I still had the ability to fly through the water at top speed w/ the wind in my hair & the sun on my face, as well as the ability to fly up & over the jet ski, through the glorious air & getting a head full of refreshing water as I somersaulted into it when I wiped out. It made me feel alive! It reminds me of my Dad on his boat w/ the wind in his hair & the sun on his face, minus the wipe out of course. I will ride this wave as long as it is physically possible. Because I am NOT a sit down jet ski girl.

So being at the lake didn’t seem like it was going to be a problem for me. I’ve got an awesome zero gravity lawn chair & a really cool shade structure when I need to chill. 

However, I was chilling there when my phone rang. It was my step mom Caroline. I answered, but immediately wished I hadn’t. I felt a strange feeling come over me that I couldn’t really explain. I could barely talk to her. I guess I was having an anxiety attack. At the time though, I had no idea what was happening to me so I had no idea how to explain this to Caroline, especially while I was in the middle of it. So I didn’t. I just kept trying to maintain a conversation but I knew that I didn’t sound like myself. And I could tell that Caroline knew I wasn’t myself either & that she didn’t know what to make of it. The whole time I felt like I could barely breathe, I felt really warm & I sat in the water the whole time I was on the phone, trying to cool off. But I was also cold & had goose bumps at the same time. I remember thinking that I just wanted to get off the phone & that I couldn’t wait until our next conversation so I could try to explain myself. When we finally hung up, I did my best to explain it to Fletch. I tried to keep cool in the water until I was so exhausted, I just had to go lay down. I just remember being uncomfortable & confused, still not knowing if I was hot or cold. I think I even skipped dinner. Maybe it was a partial heat stroke as well, but it was definitely anxiety.

I remember having so much trouble sleeping that night & being so frustrated about it that I started crying. I finally got up & left the camper so I wouldn’t bother Fletch. I grabbed my lawn chair & I went & sat at the water’s edge because I couldn’t stop crying & I didn’t know why. It was probably the fear of the unknown. The whole time I sat & stared at what we call the Sunny Tree. It was the tree that my Sunny girl spent her last hours under before she went to sleep forever. With the lake so full, it was now in the water. Ironically, it was now July 16th, one year since Sunny passed. And then I cried even more. I knew we had plans to sprinkle some of her ashes there at some point today. So since I was up & my mind wouldn’t stop, I went & grabbed my notebook. I proceeded to write a eulogy to Sunny.
I eventually got some sleep & when I woke up I had no more anxiety or depression or whatever the hell that was. But I was thoroughly exhausted.
Later that day, Fletch & I held hands as we sprinkled some of Sunny’s ashes in the water by the Sunny tree. I read aloud what I had written the night before:

It was one year ago today my sweet Sunny girl
As I stare at the tree you last sat under
Water now flows over the sand that last held you

A full moon shimmers, a light cloud cover
No wind, slight breeze
No waves, slow ripple

I close my eyes I’m hugging you now
Gentle & wise, soft knowing soul
You always knew, you always knew
I wish you were here, I wish you could be

Peanut Butter Pineapple Please….
                        Peanut Butter Pineapple Please….

I sprinkle some of you now to go with the flow
I hold the rest of you close because I can’t let go
You understand that I know
 
Warm heart, cold nose, sandy paws
My sweet Sunny sunshine, I love you!