And this is why I was dreading the wedding reception this last wknd. Because no matter what I do, I do it wrong, at least in my Mom & brothers eyes. It’s weird, because my Dad & Caroline don’t seem to share their view. And amazingly, we never fight. With my brothers, I can't keep track of when they are talking to me & when they're not. It's all so confusing & I'm not clear on the rules. Apparently though, as much as I struggled with how to do it correctly, I still didn't get it right.
When I saw my Mom, just like usual, she acted like nothing ever happened. But fights w/ her are always so big & dramatic w/ nasty e-mails, texts, phone calls, screaming, yelling, anger, hurt, blame, and so on, until finally we just stop communicating, sometimes for years. So it’s confusing for me to just act like that never happened. I felt awkward; not knowing quite how to react to her, but I did my best. And I thought I did rather well.
Apparently though, my Mom didn't feel the same way. She sent me a disappointing text saying that my reaction was a shame.
I just responded with: “It was nice to see you. I’m sorry you felt differently”
She then goes from disgusted to "Call when you’re ready. Love you..” in just 7 minutes! That’s how fast things can change with her. I don't know if she gets it but I may not be ready to call for quite awhile, I have some very important things that I have to focus on & I have no room for negative situations.
This reaction too only lasted 17 hours before she sent me a 650 word e-mail informing me that I did everything wrong & how I can never let things go.
That’s a little ironic since she’s the one that keeps telling me I did things wrong, and she can’t seem to make up her mind if she loves me, or if she’s mad at me.
I don’t think she gets the level of destruction that the fighting has had on our relationship. No matter how hard I try, I always do or say something wrong. I get that this is who she is, but I just can’t do that anymore. I know she doesn’t understand & I can’t help but feel sorry for her inability to recognize what she does.
It’s too exhausting & stressful to be on guard all the time. I’m definitely not as strong as my mother because I just don’t have it in me to fight anymore. It would be great to have real communication w/o all the fighting & the drama. It would be great to be able to talk & resolve things. But she’s never wanted to do that. She just wants to let things go & pretend like they never happened. I don’t even know if it is possible to talk about it anymore. I’ve wanted to for so many years, but at this point, I just don’t know if I can go backwards & forwards at the same time. And you gotta go back if you wanna move forward in a relationship.
I just need to eliminate stress for my health & peace of mind, my body, mind & spirit. I need peace & love and I wish she could understand that. But I accept that she can't. I love her, she’s part of me & I hope that she finds peace as well.
It is what it is.
Peace & Love, Sorrow & Regret
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